The Vanishing Gentleman

The Forced Tea Party

How Women Are Building Their Own Guardrails Against Men Who Refuse to Behave

By Dana Raye Barnaby

There was a time when the term gentleman wasn’t antiquated or up for interpretation. It wasn’t a costume worn on date nights or a curated illusion plastered across dating profiles. It was a way of moving through the world, one that required integrity, respect, and truthfulness. A time when “I’ll call you” actually meant just that. Not just a text, or a prayer-hands emoji, but a real, honest-to-god phone call.

Letting someone “in” meant allowing oneself to be vulnerable. Actually disclosing something personal about yourself. We used to use this process to suss someone out, get to know them, long before their posted lies and illicit fabrications infiltrated our personal space and dominated our inbox.

But here we are, in an era where we’re more interested in speaking to people through a screen, than face to face and women aren’t just dodging ghosting and breadcrumbing, (the current, obnoxious new term for bad etiquette), they’re forced to build entire networks of survival.

You’ve probably heard of it. A Facebook group and app, designed by women, for women, called “I Think We’re Dating the Same Man.”

As a man, who still considers the art of dating a face-to-face interaction (forgive me for my wisdom), I truly had no idea that such things existed, or for that matter, even needed to. Yet here I was, having Christmas dinner with a dear friend, when she shared this yet undiscovered truth.

At first glance, the name feels playful, maybe even comedic. You might even think it sounds like the title of a new game show hosted by Steve Harvey or Cat Deeley. But its existence is far from funny. This isn’t about lighthearted gossip or harmless oversharing. It’s a collective defense mechanism, born out of necessity because the very platforms meant to foster connection have become hotbeds for deceit, manipulation, and predatory behavior.

How It Works

If you’re like me and new to this concept, here’s how the app functions:

A woman has a bad experience with a man she met on an app, say Hinge, Bumble or Tinder. He seemed charming, his photos were well-lit, and his bio just introspective enough to make her swipe right. But after a few dates in, red flags unfurl. She digs around a little deeper, and within hours, she discovers he’s been peddling the same charm to three, four, maybe even ten other women.

So, she posts his photo. She warns the group.

“Anyone else dating this guy?”

The responses flood in.

“Yep.”

“We went out two weeks ago.”

“Told me he was single… guess not.”

“He’s still active on Hinge. Just matched with me yesterday.”

And the one that most struck me, mostly because I could sense her pending fear after reading the plentiful, negative reviews:

“I think I’m dating this guy right now… and you won’t believe the shivers now running down my spine…”

And so, the web of shared experience forms, not by the actual app designers or lucrative tech companies that should have implemented safeguards, but by the very women left vulnerable to this behavior.

When No One Else is Policing, We Police Ourselves.

Why has it come to this? Why are women forced to take on the labor of vetting strangers?

The answer may be obvious, but still painful to hear: these platforms are profiting off our loneliness and have absolutely no interest in accountability.

Dating apps, much like social media platforms, aren’t designed for your happiness or fulfillment. They thrive on engagement, swipes and addiction. Policing bad behavior would mean fewer active users, fewer hours spent scrolling, and fewer opportunities to monetize our desire for connection.

Sound familiar? It should. It’s been the rule of law and the same playbook Meta and Twitter have used for years, prioritizing growth and retention over mental health and safety. (If you're curious about how these companies knew what they were creating was about to destroy our youth and did nothing about it, read Zucked: Waking Up to the Facebook Catastrophe by Roger McNamee.)

And so, once again the burden falls on women.

Women, who gather in these digital circles and whisper warnings.

Women, who build their own tea parties of shared experience, not to bond, but to ensure their survival.

Is the Tea Getting Bitter?

There’s something uniquely disheartening about watching brilliant, powerful women conclude that it’s easier to stay single than risk another encounter with deception.

I’ve witnessed it firsthand. Women I know who refuse to engage in dating apps at all, not because they fear rejection, but because they’re exhausted by the emotional whiplash. They’ve chosen wine nights with their girlfriends over the roulette wheel of online dating.

And for most of these women, it’s not even about the heartbreak anymore. It’s about preserving their peace and maintaining their sanity.

This fault lies with men. Yes, those men who let their male friends perpetuate this behavior.

“Ah, he’s alright. That’s just Justin.  He doesn’t really mean anything by it.”

Also sound familiar? You’re probably also the same men who voted for that very “ungentlemanly”, excuse for a man, soon to be very powerful in the coming week, (more on that in next week’s post).

It’s very daunting when these apps offer no recourse for lies, infidelity, or manipulation. There’s little to no verification process for someone’s character and no recourse for posting highly-filtered selfies, often unrecognizable to even their own mothers.

What Happens When Women Tap Out?

Here’s the kicker. The part that most people can’t even fathom as a possible consequence. The fallout of this trend doesn’t just land on women.

If men don’t step up and continue to approach relationships with the same carelessness and dishonesty that sparked these groups, where does this lead?

Women will opt out entirely.

Let’s be honest, when women stop investing in relationships, society shifts.

Men, left without connection, without intimacy, without the grounding presence of love, will seek fulfillment elsewhere. Historically, this doesn’t end well.

Lonely men build empires of rage. They start wars. They weaponize their pain. Without love, compassion and connections, our world turns cruel and heartless.

What can be done?

The obvious answer is for all off us, and by that I mean men and Sheryl Sandberg, (co-creator of facebook), to pull up our socks and start behaving like humans.

I often wonder, if dating apps were actually built by true gentlemen, for the real purpose of connection and not entirely driven by greed, would we even need these groups?

Would the algorithms favor respect, transparency, and genuine kindness over shallow bios and curated abs?

Would there be an actual code of conduct, something beyond the vague “report this profile” button that rarely leads to action?

Maybe the solution isn’t new apps or more whistleblowing. Maybe the answer lies in a return to humanity.

To actually behave as if there’s real people on the other side of the screen, and they are, in fact, human beings.

I truly hope we see the day again, when women can feel safe enough to disband the tea party entirely, but until then, the list grows and grows.

I was completely disheartened when my friend showed me the app.  I mean, I recognize the need for them, but didn’t want to believe we have come to this.

Perhaps the real question isn’t, “Why are women creating these networks?”

It’s, “Why have men made them necessary?”

Thank you for taking the time to join me on this journey of reflection and storytelling. If these words have resonated, you might enjoy my second series of essays called, The Art of Living.

Subscribe today to continue our conversation. Together, we can explore the timeless art of living thoughtfully and graciously. Your support means the world to me.

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