The Vanishing Gentleman

All the Lessons We Have Learned

by Dana Raye Barnaby

In this increasingly diverse world of unprecedented population growth, no two lives are the same and not all families are created equal. Some children are blessed with nurturing environments while others face challenges that can feel insurmountable. The situation you are born into may shape your starting point but it doesn’t have to define who you become. Since all lessons are learned it also comes down to the same rationalization that these lessons can also be unlearned. While the saying goes, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” the truth is we can break free from intergenerational cycles and start fresh, creating a brighter path forward.

The Influence of Family

From the moment we are born, we enter a world of influences. We learn to walk, talk, laugh, and eventually navigate the complexities of human relationships. While we start as blank slates, it doesn’t take long before those slates are etched by the hands of our parents, our friends, and the societies in which we live. For better or worse, all behavior is taught. This includes well mannered intentions but also propagates attributes like hatred and racism.

Think about your earliest memories of learning right from wrong. Was it your mother’s persistent reminders to say "please" and "thank you"? Your father’s gentle guidance on how to treat others, never hitting a woman or harming any living thing? Or maybe your grandparents modeled patience and kindness in a world that often feels rushed and chaotic. For me, my father’s graciousness, gentle regard, and quiet strength left an indelible mark. He taught me that being a gentleman wasn’t about grand gestures or titles, it was about respect. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, was always one of his favorite sayings. See, Dad, I was listening… I am so grateful for the lessons he taught me, and continues to instill in me to this day.

My Mother: The Cornerstone

In many ways, my mother was the cornerstone of our family’s values. Her determination to rise above the constraints of her upbringing on a family farm and to create a positive environment for her children was nothing short of inspiring. She was steadfast in ensuring we had every opportunity for a higher education and a solid foundation for success in our pursuits. Her strength and resilience taught us the value of hard work, while her insistence on respect and kindness set the tone for how we treated one another. My father, a kind-hearted gentleman who epitomized grace, had little choice in the matter, my mother wouldn’t have had it any other way. Her demand for respect and kindness held him to a standard, one that women of the baby boomer generation often expected and required of their partners. Together, they created a household where integrity and consideration were non-negotiable.

It’s easy to see the ripple effects of lost gentlemanly values. The decline isn’t just in the way people dress or speak, although, as Robert De Niro’s character in The Intern so charmingly demonstrates, there’s a stark contrast between the polished presentation of older generations and the casual disarray of younger ones. But set aside this fashion faux pas for a moment; the deeper concern lies in the erosion of respect and accountability. When young children grow up without seeing role models demonstrate respect toward others, they miss an essential blueprint for adulthood. Perhaps the time has come for us to change the narrative.

Breaking The Cycle

Here’s the good news: no one is bound by the actions or attitudes of the family they were born into. We are shaped by our environments, yes, but we are not prisoners to them. The human capacity for change is one of our greatest strengths. It’s possible to break cycles of bad behavior whether they’re rooted in generational trauma, societal pressure, or simple ignorance.

Breaking these cycles requires intent and effort. It means choosing to model respect and empathy, even when it’s inconvenient. It means dressing thoughtfully, not out of vanity, but out of respect for yourself and those you interact with. It means teaching the next generation that kindness is not weakness, and that integrity is not an outdated concept.

It also means examining our biases about what it means to be a gentleman today. Why do women in general continue to dress thoughtfully while men have embraced a more casual approach? Is it a reflection of shifting priorities, or a deeper commentary on respect? The answer, I suspect, lies somewhere in between. And it’s a conversation worth having.

As we reflect on these questions, I’m reminded of something my father used to say: “You can’t control where you come from, but you can choose where you’re going.” It’s a simple truth, but one that offers a profound sense of agency. If we want to see a resurgence of gentlemanly behavior, not just in how men dress, but in how they treat others, we have to start with teaching and modeling it in our own lives. Because every act of kindness, every respectful gesture, and every thoughtful choice becomes part of the lessons we pass on to others.

Accountability and Responsibility

The vanishing gentleman doesn’t have to be lost forever. If the majority of behavior is taught, then we have the power to teach a new generation how to walk with kindness, stand with integrity, and carry themselves with respect. And, perhaps, in doing so, we might just find that we’ve taught ourselves as well.

I know that I’m no authority on anything, nor will I ever claim to be in these writings. Some of you, especially those who don’t know me, might wonder why, as a man, I dare to call out the actions of men. Yes, I dare to do such things because I believe it is the responsibility of gentlemen to hold deplorable men accountable for their actions.

Perhaps, if men had done exactly this and treated women with the respect and kindness they deserve, women wouldn’t feel the need to create self-protection apps or movements to demand basic decency (The Forced Tea Party).

I know my mother, God rest her soul, wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Thank you for taking the time to join me on this journey of reflection and storytelling. If these words have resonated, you might enjoy my second series of essays called, The Art of Living. 

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