The Vanishing Gentleman

Masculinity in Crisis: Welcome to the Age of Immediacy

by Dana Raye Barnaby

The other afternoon, I found myself quietly sitting on my front stoop, enjoying a pleasant conversation with my neighbor. This peace was sadly short-lived. Nearby, a young man in his mid-twenties stopped his car defiantly in an alley intersection, clearly ignoring the signage directing drivers to turn left. As he waited stubbornly for an opening to drive straight through, his insistence quickly disrupted the flow of the entire street. Soon, a large delivery truck, forced into a three-point turn to access a loading dock, brought traffic to a standstill.

I watched, hoping the driver might realize his error. When no movement came, I politely suggested he move his car so everyone - including myself, forced to breathe in exhaust from the idling vehicles - could peacefully continue on with their day. His reaction was swift and defensive. Embarrassed yet unwilling to concede he was wrong, he barked back, telling me to mind my own business.

Moments later, misinterpreting my quiet remark to my neighbor as ridicule, he escalated further. He did indeed drive straight through the alley intersection, now that traffic had come to a complete stop - but then on the opposite side of the intersection, he once again stopped his car, got out, and started crossing the street towards me to threaten physical violence. I told him that, I was a lover, not a fighter (thanks to the Kinks for their appropriate song title). His response, while expected but sadly not warranted was, “Good for you, but I’m a fighter.”

Fortunately, common sense and cooler heads prevailed, and the confrontation ended without punches thrown. The driver finally returned to his car enduring the barrage of endless honking and discourse that raged from the countless stalled motorists. He drove off, the delivery truck cleared, and everyone went on their merrily little way. But this incident stayed with me, a troubling snapshot of modern masculinity and self-centeredness.

Reflecting on the Fragility of Modern Manhood

Reflecting afterward, my neighbor and I wondered aloud: What exactly had threatened this young man’s sense of self so profoundly? Why was a gentle reminder to follow traffic rules perceived as an attack on his manhood? Our casual discussion quickly became a broader reflection on the changing face of masculinity in the digital age.

Today, the internet provides instant gratification - answers, shopping, entertainment, social validation - conditioning us to expect immediate fulfillment of our desires. This culture of immediacy contributes significantly to a growing selfishness, where personal convenience rapidly outpaces the desire for community harmony. Research suggests that people who consistently seek immediate rewards or excitement are more likely to behave aggressively or even violently, especially when their self-control is challenged (Eisner, Cambridge University, 2021).

Men, in particular, seem especially affected by this shift. Many men have grown up believing they need to be in control, respected, or even dominant. Now, as society rapidly changes and these traditional ideas of masculinity are less valued, a lot of men find themselves feeling lost or defensive. Studies show that men are often more likely to act selfishly or dishonestly if it benefits them personally, which makes relationships and social interactions even more complicated (Psychology Today, 2023).

The End of Western Civilization as we know it…

It feels like a lot of men today see changes in social norms as direct threats to their masculinity. The internet only exasperates these feelings, giving people constant reassurance of outdated ideas about strength, dominance, and aggression. When you're surrounded by this noise, even something small, like politely asking someone to move their car, can suddenly feel like a personal attack.

Social media and online forums are often filled with people pushing aggressive and confrontational attitudes, reinforcing a vision of masculinity based on defiance and stubbornness. Sadly, this online bravado can spill over into real life, leading to situations like the one I experienced - where admitting a mistake becomes more humiliating than behaving aggressively.

Caught Between Ego and Evolution

The guy in the alley was stuck between two worlds: the outdated version of masculinity he was raised in and the more thoughtful, empathetic gentleman the world now expects him to become. He was trapped, unable to evolve beyond his ego.

I don’t think this is an isolated incident. Our society seems caught in this same tension. Maybe by understanding how our culture encourages immediate gratification and selfishness - and how these things threaten traditional male identities - we can start a healthier conversation about what it means to be a gentleman today.

Instead of getting caught up in confrontations, maybe the best way forward is to simply talk. Real strength doesn’t come from aggression or pride - it comes from humility, dignity, and genuine respect for everyone around us.

Thank you for taking the time to join me on this journey of reflection and storytelling. If these words have resonated, you might enjoy my second series of essays called, The Art of Living. 

Subscribe today to continue our conversation. Together, we can explore the timeless art of living thoughtfully and graciously. Your support means the world to me.

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