The Vanishing Gentleman

We Need to Take Back Control - Reclaim Your Feed

by Dana Raye Barnaby

I wasn’t planning to write this week. I’ve been busy soul searching, still looking for a job that can pay the bills while I continue pursuing the life I’ve always known I was meant to live: writing and directing films that matter.

Then I read another article (maybe this is my issue - reading too much, I jest). Another account of the growing divide between men and women. Another piece of research showing how mutual respect continues to erode, and how we are being pushed further apart by forces that benefit from our anger and confusion. It broke my silence, once again.

This divide is the reason I started The Vanishing Gentleman.

I believed, and still believe, that the disappearance of the gentleman is not just about lost manners or outdated roles. It is a serious problem for our culture, our survival, and our collective humanity. When men no longer know how to behave, and when women no longer feel safe, we risk collapse. If women start to opt out entirely, emotionally, relationally, or biologically, the very idea of connection, family, and trust begins to disappear too.

I’ve tried to offer insights over the course of this series. I’ve tried to remain hopeful and avoid the Dark tone that some of my friends have declared permeates my work, but it's hard out there. Almost every week, I read something new that pulls me back into frustration. Men distrusting women. Women fearing men. A culture feeding that division and profiting from the wreckage.

Then came the news about the Canadian junior hockey players. Five men, part of a group of eight, walked free after a lengthy investigation into allegations of group sexual assault. The victim, referred to only as EM, endured seven brutal days of testimony. Her words were picked apart, her memory questioned, her trauma dissected. In the end, the court ruled there wasn’t enough consistency in her story. They concluded that what happened in that hotel room may have technically been consensual. At least in the eyes of the law.

Let’s be honest. What happened was morally despicable. A naked young woman surrounded by eight men should not be seen as a grey area. It should be seen for what it is, predatory, exploitative, and humiliating. That moment will stay with EM for the rest of her life. My hope is that none of those men ever play hockey again. Because even if the courts cleared them, their reputations should not.

But this essay is not just about ill-repute hockey culture. The sickness runs deeper. It lives in our pockets. It pulses in our feeds. It is shaped and reinforced by tech platforms who bear none of the public shame they help spread.

Let me be clear. I’m looking directly at you, Mark Zuckerberg.

A recent investigative piece by the Guardian revealed how easily young men are radicalized by social media algorithms. Journalists created fake profiles for fictional 24-year-old men. These accounts had no history, no friends, no engagement.

The phones were left untouched, set up with new emails, and left to sit.

And within days, the feeds began to fill with objectifying, sexist content. Bikini images. Gym-bro memes. Red-pilled, misogynistic takes on women. And it kept getting worse. No one clicked anything. No one searched for this. It was the algorithm deciding what men wanted to see.

This is what women don’t always realize. Men are not always choosing to consume this kind of content. It is being aggressively served to them, regardless of who they are or what they’ve done. The platforms are programming male curiosity toward objectification, then blaming men for the behavior that follows.

I am a man. I have more wisdom and gray hair than I sometimes like to admit (at least on “bill-paying” job interviews). I have spent years crafting my values and learning what it means to respect women. And yet, even my own feeds are filled with images of twenty-something women shaking their bodies and whispering how much they love older men. They offer links to subscription services, encouraging me to help make them rich. All of it disguised as attention, but built on objectification.

I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t click anything. The platforms don't care.

And here is the damage. Women see this flood of content and believe men are choosing it. They believe it reflects our values. But often, it doesn’t. It reflects the agenda of tech companies that profit from addiction, rage, and sexual provocation. These companies are not just distorting reality. They are redefining it.

This is not just degrading to women. It is degrading to men. It reinforces the idea that all we care about is sex, status, and submission. It turns us into predictable consumers instead of complex human beings. And it breaks trust before any real relationship can begin.

We need to start holding the architects of these platforms accountable. We need to start pushing back. Because the longer we allow this to continue, the more dangerous and divided our world becomes.

I would love to see Zuckerberg grilled for seven straight days in court.

Not for his lies about platform personalization, but for the culture of silent manipulation he helped create.

This is the fight of our time. We must reclaim our digital spaces. We must take back control of our feeds. Not just by clicking differently, but by demanding a new design, one that is built on transparency, consent, and human dignity.

The gentleman may be vanishing, but he’s not extinct. And if we want any hope of restoring balance between the sexes, we need to start by restoring trust. That means turning off the poison and stepping into real, unfiltered connection.

That means making the choice to be better men (and women).

That means refusing to be programmed.

(Did you notice that I didn't mention Trump once in this article. DOH!)

Thank you for taking the time to join me on this journey of reflection and storytelling. If these words have resonated, you might enjoy my second series of essays called, The Art of Living. 

Subscribe today to continue our conversation. Together, we can explore the timeless art of living thoughtfully and graciously. Your support means the world to me.

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